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Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Wedding Files: Part II

I think I might have the solution to the world's economic problems.

(Wait for it… wait for it…)

OK, now.

Everyone should get married.


Here's why.

First there's the suits (ka-ching). And the dresses (ka-CHING). The shoes, the ties.

OH, oops… and the rings. How did I not put rings first?

Engagement rings are one thing. (I personally can't complain, since I proposed with an heirloom ring. Probably why I didn't list it first. But then, I can't complain about the suit either.)

You'll of course need wedding bands. Marketing genius dating back to medieval times, I'm guessing.

And then there's the venue(s). The food. The photographer (so someone can take photos of the food and the people eating it.) the DJ. The booze. The parting gifts.

Don't forget the invitations, and the subsequent thank you cards. Lord knows Canada Post can use all this business.

Oh, you also have to buy a 'wedding license'. What does this prove? Nothing. It's a Provincial tax of $140. You go to city/town hall and fork over cash, and they give you a piece of paper that basically says 'thanks for telling us'.

Then the honeymoon (again I can't complain, thanks family). The struggling U.S. will get a tiny boost from our visit to their west coast (can't wait, California.) But 100 million tourist visits, now we're talking.

Imagine all the Americans honeymooning in Banff. Canadians honeymooning in California. Belgians honeymooning in Taipei. Taiwanese honeymooning in Switzerland. And so on. Money flowing all around. A win-win-win-win, etc.

My wedding is now less than a month away, and I count my blessings that my family and family-in-law is helping to ensure it all goes well. I'm very grateful, don't get me wrong. Please don't confuse my dryness with contempt.

I am a lucky man.

But seriously. Think of it. One big year of weddings… world-wide. Weddings of all sizes – your grand 'look-at-me' events with 500 guests, your small-time, small-budget nuptials in a poorly lit room with seven people.

So all you people on the fence, all you people who are holding out for whatever reason… just do it. It's only as painful as, say, ripping off a Band-Aid. Yes, I capitalized Band-Aid. It's a name brand.

And when you do get married – children. Most likely. Right?

I don't have to start to list all the costs there, right from the get-go to the age of say… 32.

Ka-ching, taxes. Birth certificates. Cell phones. Cars. University. WEDDINGS. ka-CHING.

OK, so back to my point. Everyone, get married. Commitment ain't so bad. Good for the economy, and maybe people will get along more in the world.

Even if we're all poor after it's all said and done.